 I know. You're dying to make that fuck awful "who has two thumbs and..." joke that makes people want to randomly hurl your ass into oncoming traffic, as if in the throes of an intriguing but ultimately disappointing M. Night Shyamalan plot. Fight the urge.
This is Michelle Watson, happiest DUI arrest ever. EVER. In a Thursday evening romp in Arizona, Watson, who tested nearly three times the legal limit, hit several curbs and drove briefly on the sidewalk, talked shit to one cop, shoved another while refusing a field sobriety test, scuffled with the cops, kneeing one in the junk, and kicked the shit out of the inside of a squad car. And THIS is how the mugshot turned out. I gotta say, I'm impressed. While it's really easy to chalk this up to being completely fucked the fuck up, after seeing this mugshot, then reading the story, and then looking at the mugshot a second time, I immediately came to the conclusion that Ms. Watson must have the most awesomest freakin' lawyer in the universe. She must have Vig Insurance from Grand Theft Auto IV. She must have naked pictures of the judge...one of those Monopoly cards. If not, I wanna know what she partied with...gimme a handler, and I'll try that shit. Anyhow, I'm trying to keep tabs on this story...update (?) as soon as it becomes available.  Don't get me wrong, it isn't often I agree with Newt Gingrich, but his response to Occupy: "Go get a job right after you take a bath," was spot-on. Having said that, however, the idea of Gingrich courting evangelicals in Iowa at a moral values forum is like Nadya Suleman wanting a spokesperson gig with Planned Parenthood. There was the usual hard-right banter, with candidates set in stone against abortion, same sex marriage, laws restricting prayer in school, and laws preventing ministers from endorsing candidates from the pulpit. The usual litany from today's GOP that will ensure I never become a registered Republican.  Newt Gingrich says there is a shift toward secularism in America that is a disaster, and businessman/Baptist minister/political hopeful Herman Cain wants to change the provisions in the tax code that limit the involvement of churches in politics.
 Sometimes, more than others, I really have to wonder what the editorial board of the Courier-Journal is smoking. Maybe they are trying to puff-puff-pass on some commercial hemp, even though all us real good recreational types know it doesn't do any good. Whatever the case, the C-J really needed to crack a window before unloosing the editorial Farmer's Air Ball on us Saturday morning.
Don't get me wrong- it's pretty easy to take a shot a Farmer these days. The guy went from being the darling of the Kentucky GOP to the Andy Dick of the Kentucky GOP in near-record time. I would have drawn a comparison to Charlie Sheen, but at least Sheen's "winning" has panned out for him in the long run. Farmer lost his credibility, his marriage, and his job faster than Christian Laettner put UK out of the 1992 NCAA Tourney. Where does the guy go from here? The C-J says state Senate President David Williams has "no one to blame but himself for bringing ridicule on his own ticket..." and "...failed first to perform due diligence and determine whether Mr. Farmer was suitable for high office." Fair enough on the first charge, but as for the second? Farmer was picked solely because he has a number retired at Rupp Arena. We all know that, but the voters of Kentucky picked him as Agriculture Commissioner not once, but twice, and the second time casting more votes for him than any other candidate in the state. Agriculture Commissioner in Kentucky is a high office, higher than whatever in the hell the Lieutenant Governor does four years at a clip. They, the voters, set the wheels in motion for this, and are just as lacking in diligence regarding Farmer as anyone. Granted, Sen. Williams and his campaign staff couldn't figure out what was going on in Farmer's office, with questionable perks, expenses, paperwork to back up those expenses, and now the news he gave his girlfriend an Ag Department job as the campaign was in it's death throes. If they knew, then the arrogance with which many people viewed Sen. Williams may have even been underestimated. And how could they not know? Even with the lean the C-J has, I haven't heard anything proven wrong or even mildly inaccurate. I'm not saying the C-J is wrong in their analysis, but if they are going to cast blame, then they need to do it evenly, even if that means casting blame to the dwindling number of people buying your publication.  Should you be allowed to draw an unemployment check now for a job you are maybe, probably going to lose in the future? Of course not. That would be ridiculous, and would lead to even more people trying to make a buck off being psychic, cause at least 95% of my friends would damn sure be able to predict losing their job by the end of this sentence, if that were current policy.
Less certain then, is whether or not children conceived after a parent's death are eligible for the Social Security survivor's benefit. The U.S. Supreme Court will take on the issue, a perfect example of 2011 technology outpacing a 1939 policy. The justices will weigh the case of Karen Caputo, whose twins were not conceived until about eighteen months after their father's death from cancer. Social Security did not question the paternity of the twins, but denied the benefit, going by Florida law, which states children not conceived at the time of a parent's death are not entitled to inherit property. The U.S. Court of Appeals ruled in Caputo's favor, using that biological link as the basis for their decision. I can see why the Appeals Court ruled as they did. I'm not completely heartless, and you definitely have a sympathetic plaintiff, but what kind of precedent does this set? There are currently around a hundred of these kind of claims pending at the Social Security Administration. How many of these claims, I wonder, have some kind of actual merit, and how many are the result of the kind of forward thinking normally reserved for a Law & Order rerun? Bottom line, the Supreme Court can not allow this loophole to remain. The already semi-terminal state of Social Security could not possibly survive a body shot like this. Could you imagine every third moron in this country banking semen? OctoDads from Beyond the Grave might be the third most awesome movie title ever I've cooked up in my own head, but not in real life, where it would drain money faster than a Real Housewife of (Insert City Here).  My blood pressure had started climbing, my grip on the steering wheel tightening one shade shy of white-knuckled. My first instinct was to bark a quick "fuck!" at the windshield, at nothing and no one in particular. Was it an accident up ahead tying up I-64 West as far as the eye could see? Was it any other of the thousand or so reasons Kentucky drivers were named 3rd most careless and 7th worse drivers overall in the county? Don't I fucking wish. For whatever the hell reason, Louisville's 100.5 flipped their format to Christmas music this past Friday. Yes, I too thought it an odd switch to make on Veterans Day, but that's why I host a show instead of working on the programming end. Like programming a radio station in Louisville is a challenge. This will probably run until the damned Super Bowl teams are determined. Fuck.  Louisville's WLGX 100.5 FM, or as it's better known, Gen X Radio, was a brief distraction once it launched a year or so ago, before quickly settling into its traditional corporate radio routine with the rest of the crappy stations in Louisville. You know, the kind with the two dozen or so song playlist you could damn near set your watch day. Seriously, it can be a drinking game: drive around on any given day in Kentuckiana, ANY GIVEN DAY, and once you hear five songs from Nirvana's Nevermind or Pearl Jam's Ten albums, then you get to party like it's 1990. The classic rock version works kinda the same way, only it's unofficial unless you hear at least six different Led Zeppelin songs and Flirting With Disaster by Molly Hatchet. After 12 years of living down here, not only am I not flirting with disaster, I'm still waiting to hear on the status of my Emergency Protection Order against disaster...  Why...why the fucking Christmas music? Once I heard the temporary format change, my mind immediately started mocking the Gen X Radio advertising hook, only my version goes:
If you can remember when the Christmas music started in December, you're a Gen X-er. I hope they can handle the irony. Then again, this X-mas music fiasco is the dumbest thing I've heard from WLGX since they called REM grunge music. Yeah, Jethro Tull winning a Metal Grammy makes a lot more sense now, doesn't it? Kind of...? At any rate, catch you suckers in January. I'm going into talk radio hibernation...  Let me get this straight. Costco is now selling an eight-pound chunk 'o pork molded into the shape of a piglet? What a wondrous time to be alive...
I mean, this reinvents the art of the pig roast. Now you don't have people bitching about food with a face. Make a face for it. A tasty, tasty face. And then eat it in front of them with a nice dark lager. And a smile. A very satisfied smile. And maybe some seasonable vegetables. Don't let me plan your whole menu for you. The Costco-marketed Mini Piglet (yes, that's the real name) shows you just how much influence the Play Doh fun factory had on a generation. As for these 8lb. porkers, I wish I could have found a better picture to use with this. Now I might just have to hit up a Costco. Wait, now I'm on to your game, Costco...well played.  MTV.com asks: "Kim Kardashian: Will breakup ruin her image?"
Wait, what? No, fucking seriously...what? This is one of those rare moments I am glad for MTV.com. At least them tackling this issue saved CNN the trouble of scrolling it at the bottom of the screen while they talk about big people stuff like the 2012 election. Then again, CNN will probably sweat Jersey Shore next before MTV.com, so I guess the status quo is sadly balanced. What the fuck kind of image do they think Kim Kardashian has? Does this word image mean what they think it does? A reasonably attractive woman whose only job skill appears to be frontloading people only marginally as famous as she is. Don't get me wrong, the marketing behind her willingness to get half heartedly railed in a badly shot celebuporn has been genius, and she has cashed in thusly. Outstanding. You have created the anti-porn star. Instead of standard practice, she's the one getting shoved down our throats. And yes, I said reasonably attractive. She is decent eye candy, I'll grant you that, but men aren't crashing ships into the jagged shore over her autotuned siren song. Jodie Foster could be considered a reasonably attractive woman, and some guy shot the President to impress her. To the best of my knowledge, no one has ever even been bitchslapped over Kim Kardashian. And how do you suppose a marriage that lasted roughly as long as the Charlie's Angels remake is possibly going to hurt this image? She doesn't even have enough of an image for Triumph to poop on.  Meanwhile, as I continue to wait for someone, anyone to either suck it up and break a disclosure agreement or shut the fuck up about Herman Cain...
At least the alleged sexual harassment Cain was purported to have possibly done, possibly to people, possibly at some point during his tenure at the National Restaurant Association, has not managed to damage his momentum, as he has maintained his lead in polls conducted after this "story" broke. Didn't surprise me one bit that the White House refused to comply with a congressional subpoena for more documents regarding Solyndra. According to some Obama yeshole, the subpoena was "driven more by partisan politics than a legitimate effort to conduct a responsible investigation." Bullshit. I know it, you know it. If investigating a sweetheart deal worth half a billion dollars isn't responsible, then what the hell is? I need to wander over to Politifact and see if that "most transparent administration in history" shit has been given pants on fire status yet. Mitt Romney has been taking shots at Rick Perry on illegal immigration via robocall in Iowa recently. Damn, I hate it when politicians resort to using one of the few things that irritates me more than illegal immigration to make statements about illegal immigration. Then again, here in my region, I'm surprised that David Williams hasn't resorted to "secret Hindu" robocalls as his gubernatorial campaign in Kentucky approaches the finish line Tuesday not at a gallop, but desperately sucking wind. That's going to be really depressing to me that Jerry Abramson is going to wind up Lieutenant Governor because of the least likable GOP gubernatorial ticket in Kentucky history.  With a mere six days to go before the New Albany municipal elections, I am just as ready as everyone for it to be over with, win or lose, and especially the way my day started yesterday.
Sitting in the dining room, drinking that morning cup of coffee, when there it is, in black and white: me getting called a loser in the Louisville Courier-Journal. Fantastic. Some things like this could possibly make a guy wake and bake. Harbor no illusion- shit like this made somebody wake and bake the other morning. To be specific, I was labeled a "three-time loser at the polls," by the Courier-Journal's Harold J. Adams. Okay, I've been a candidate enough times to know to let this slide off my back, but this phrasing, a mere week before the election at publication, does a nice job of editorializing through semantics. I mean, "three-time candidate" would have gotten the point across (or the mere fact the article lists each loss, like you don't trust the readers to be able to count to 0-3). Calling me a loser is fine. Whatever you gotta tell yourself. I wonder if that distinction would have been made for a Republican or Democrat candidate? Probably not. By managing to slip in a last-minute loser dig at the expense of the Libertarian Party, you do little to advance the idea of three (or more, if you can imagine) parties competing in the political arena by keeping that fresh in their minds as they hit the ballot boxes next Tuesday. I guess that's why I spent a half-hour on my cell phone with you stuck on the gobsmacked clusterfuck that was Dixie Highway last Friday afternoon. I was gracious and emailed you a picture for the article. To wind up being the endcap to what was basically a Jack Messer piece. And called a loser at the onset, to boot. Not to mention, you referenced the debate, which was a month-and-a-half ago, so you only basically used my three prior races (which you were apparently too lazy to look up, they were on my website...you know, the first damn thing you asked me about?) Wait check that, you only asked me about the domain name, the only thing you apparently even bothered to learn about my website beforehand. Then again, I am talking about a major metropolitan newspaper (to hear them tell it) reporter doing all his work via cell phone, and asking the candidates to email him pics. Which you could have very easily copied from my website. You know, the one you apparently didn't bother to check out. Also, while the news coverage of the election has been excellent so far, in my opinion, I loved the fact you simply mentioned me as a veterinary courier, which is fine. That's a good portion of my work, and I like it just fine. Would have been nice, though, if you had mentioned I owned the freaking courier service, which has been responsible for thousands of deliveries in six counties spanning two states, while maintaining an absolute 100% flawless safety record. To catch you up, all four candidates are small business owners. If you didn't feel like mentioning my company's name, you could have used the word eponymous, but then again, I would hated to see what you would have shortened that to. Then again, I could always look at it this way- if the Courier-Journal has a problem with me, I guess I'm doing something right... |
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