I was enjoying a nice and relaxing Sunday afternoon, smoking a bowl, working on building my social media network, kicking around and accomplishing little bits here and there, when I came across a story from Las Vegas' KTNV 13 Action News, about teenagers who have taken to smoking coffee.
Wow, okay then. I set my pipe down, took a sip from my own cup of coffee, and thought about that for a moment. I have heard all manners of dumb ways to catch a buzz in the last couple of years. Trying to pour booze in through your eye socket, chicks soaking tampons in vodka, smoking psychedelic potpourri just because some asshole slapped a sticker on it and said "don't smoke it or anything," with a wink and a nudge. But this shit? Smoking coffee? Today's generation are a bunch of staggeringly dumb motherfuckers.
Naturally, there are various websites up and running that will take you through the step by step process of rolling a "caffeine stick." Facepalm. If you want to cop a buzz, smoke a damn joint. If you want a caffeine fix to get you through the shit that is invariably your morning, at least in the grown ass adult world, then drink a fucking cup of coffee. There's a reason we don't drink bongwater, just flip it over and you will have the equation for why you don't smoke coffee. Idiot.
According to the news report, there can be dangerous side effects to smoking coffee, and not just people looking at you like a complete jackhole for smoking coffee. Apparently, there have been reports of breathing difficulty, dizziness, vomiting, and hallucinations. While there is absolutely nothing I see of any redeeming value to smoking coffee, I will admit I would love to see if a bad coffee trip is anything like a bad PCP trip. That would be the greatest Starbucks on Cops footage ever. Then again, knowing my luck, this is just the precursor to Starbucks opening a chain of hookah bars. There's a morning commute for you, people.
Since we should be well beyond the point of surprise, it seems now the National Republican Congressional Committee is stopping to tactics more befitting jealous seventh-grade girls as the mid-term elections draw near.
The latest desperate dick move by the GOP is to create websites attacking Democratic congressional candidates in several states. Nothing wrong with that, you say, until you discover the websites are basically identical to the real candidates' sites, with similar URLs, fonts, and characteristics of the websites they are spoofing. In at least one case, involving a mock website aimed at West Virginia congressional candidate Nick Rahill, there is even a "donate" button pointed to the NRCC's coffers.
It is at times like this, I have to wonder why the Republicans keep forgetting there is a high road. They are clearly starting to win battles based on the runaway success that is Obamacare, so why waste money pumping ads to draw insane amounts of web traffic to the next new and exciting below the belt shot. Keep hammering the nail everyone else is hammering right now.
While the NRCC stands by the websites as "100% legal," Democratic concerns are yelling that the sites violate Federal Election Commission regulations in regards to confusing the public. It's an argument loaded with shades of grey. While anyone who can read, if they took the time to read the website, would see it's obviously an opposition site, there remains a pretty fair argument about how opposing parties can use a candidate's name.
So, not that I'm actually advising or condoning this, but from the amount of nothing that is ultimately going to be done about this fake website nonsense, I certainly believe there is now a standing precedent. If any of you ever get the hankering to run for public office, feel free to pass out campaign-style bumper stickers of your opponent, saying they blow goats.You might not get a lot of votes outside of the undecided crowd who gets the Wayne's World reference, but you'll certainly get some ink.
As to the amount of nothing that will be done about the website nonsense, remember this: the Federal Election Commission is comprised of three Democrats and three Republicans. Nothing like a perpetual 3-3 tie to go with the rest of the gridlock our Washington overlords are making us watch at the moment.
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(Best Overall Writing), 2011 Blogger's Choice Awards