Thanks to Deadspin, I got reminded that every year, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission creates a searchable database of ER visits around the country, and the reasons for such visit. Naturally, what everyone really wants to know is what was being inserted where. In the spirit of celebrating curiosity, we know present the 2013 Crammy Awards, for achievement in the use of inanimate objects. Please notes we are just presenting awards here. No trophies or statues, for obvious reasons. And now, on to the awards...
Best Lead Object Crammed in a Throat
Winner: "The Shower Mishap" For the life of me, I can not figure out how someone swallows a quarter during a shower, let alone get the damn thing stuck. Either your underwater magic act really needs a tune-up, or the stripping career is not going as well as you think it is, cause that would just be sad, choking on the thrown change on a Tuesday night in a strip club.
Best Lead Object Crammed in a Penis:
Winner: "The Dangerous Game" That poor fucking domino. We are left drained, wondering what the rest of the dominoes in the set thought as they watched their friend leave? And what of our protagonist, the humble domino? The wave of terror as the realization it is no longer a game sets in. It's...it's just palpable.
Best Lead Object Crammed in a Vagina:
Winner: "Jane Austen's Ick" If life imitates art, can we please hope this is the last time something of this nature is ever mentioned again. Anywhere. Period. (pun only slightly intended.
Best Lead Object Crammed in a Rectum:
Winner: "15 Items or Less" In a surprising move, the judges decided to go with an ensemble cast for the honor. While the other nominees were certainly noteworthy, it was the ability of the supporting cast to adapt to and stretch the bounds of the lead and really contribute to the understanding of the suffering of the protagonist. A performance that will not be easily duplicated.
And of course, the big prizes:
Best Non-Professional Insertion Mishap
Winner: "Under the Table" Hands down the on the edge of your seat suspense incident of the year. Was the shot glass broken before or after it was inserted in the rectum? WE DON'T KNOW! People will be talking about this a lot longer than Inception, I tell you that much.
Best Performer in a Non-Professional Insertion Mishap
Winner: The schmuck, "The Dangerous Game" The schmuck put it all on the table in this inaugural award-winning performance. Just the thought this guy tried this may make it the most physically challenging performance since DeNiro in Raging Bull.
"Under the Table" -3 A familiar tale nevertheless made this a popular choice among the judges, leading to its pack-leading three nominations. Although it would only take home one award, one has to think this won't be the last go around for this guy, if not the shot glass.
"The Dangerous Game" - 2. While this might have seemed like a dark horse entrant to some, the object to hole ratio was just too great for the judges to overcome, with one straight passing the hell out during the jury phase, leading to its sweep in the two categories it was nominated in.
Not that I'm sad the holidays are over, although I'm glad the music portion of it is done with, but stories like this restore my faith in the holiday spirit.
44 year old Helen Williams was so peeved a gentleman companion had failed to arrive with beer, since the stores were closed on Christmas Eve, she did what someone destined to wind up on my blog would do. She busted a ceramic squirrel over his head and then stabbed him with the jagged remains. Strictly speculating here, but I'm going to guess Ms. Williams is what they call a hard 44.
I just know the root of this situation, the beer, had to have Milwaukee somewhere in the title. I just know it. That some hardcore fucking beer partying sumbitches right there. They don't need to knifefight. They'll bust a squirrel in yo ass. A squirrel with a smile.
Then again, what kind of dude gets shived with the jagged remnants of a ceramic squirrel? Is this part of an upcoming Grand Theft Auto V Online downloadable content or something?
Williams was in the Charleston (S.C.) County jail as of Friday afternoon on criminal domestic violence charge, but it was not immediately known if she had legal representation. Yes, sir...I'll put a dollar down on the public defenders trying to call in favors not to draw this case.
At any rate, can this finally be a replacement for Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer?
Winner, The Blogitzer
(Best Overall Writing), 2011 Blogger's Choice Awards