Thanks to Deadspin, I got reminded that every year, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission creates a searchable database of ER visits around the country, and the reasons for such visit. Naturally, what everyone really wants to know is what was being inserted where. In the spirit of celebrating curiosity, we know present the 2013 Crammy Awards, for achievement in the use of inanimate objects. Please notes we are just presenting awards here. No trophies or statues, for obvious reasons. And now, on to the awards...

Best Lead Object Crammed in a Throat
Nominees:

• "The Shower Mishap" Not what you would normally think. Some real ignorant motherfucker swallowed a quarter. While taking a shower. Think about that a moment.
  
• "Magic Cram" - some other real ignorant motherfucker (although, let's be honest- probably the same ignorant motherfucker from the shower).
  
• "The Whole of a Halfway Down" - The heartwarming tale of someone so dumb they ain't down with the concept of chewing a taco. Like they saw Shaggy and Scooby do it, and thought...okay, I'm at least as competent as Shaggy and Scooby Doo.
  
• "The Yarn About a Cat Toy" - A bold and stupidly imaginative exploration of someone taking their cat fetish nearly one step too far. 
  

Winner: "The Shower Mishap" For the life of me, I can not figure out how someone swallows a quarter during a shower, let alone get the damn thing stuck. Either your underwater magic act really needs a tune-up, or the stripping career is not going as well as you think it is, cause that would just be sad, choking on the thrown change on a Tuesday night in a strip club.

Best Lead Object Crammed in a Penis:
Nominees:

• "The Art of Attraction" High energy tale of a man willing to go the ends of the earth to attract a woman, or make the worst DIY Magna Doodle ever by cramming 20-30 magnetic Bucky Balls into his unit? I couldn't say for sure.
  
• "10,000 Owies Under the Sea" Imagine a cartoon about a guy cramming a fish tank's air hose into his junk. Now try to unimagine it. God knows I'm trying.  
  
• "A Man and his Marble" Story Title" The straight-forward story of a man who inserts a marble into his penis. That's not what they mean by shooting marbles. Okay, maybe in Thailand, but still, man...
  
• "The Dangerous Game" In order to please the ladies, a man embeds a domino in his penis. HE EMBEDDED DOMINO IN PENIS "TO PLEASE THE LADIES" - Ow. Like, worse than ow...maybe fucking ouch. Worst part, since none of these incidents were actually made into movies, we'll never know how many, if any, ladies were actually pleased as a result of this...
  

Winner: "The Dangerous Game" That poor fucking domino. We are left drained, wondering what the rest of the dominoes in the set thought as they watched their friend leave? And what of our protagonist, the humble domino? The wave of terror as the realization it is no longer a game sets in. It's...it's just palpable.

Best Lead Object Crammed in a Vagina:
Nominees:

• "Stuck on Yourself" A romantic (?) comedy about a woman getting a glue stick stuck in her babymaker. Man trap, indeed...or worst attempt to close a hellmouth? Oddly enough, I could see Renee Zellweger starring in this. Less oddly, I can see myself being more thankful I don't eat a lot while writing.
  
• "Long Soccer Mom Afternoon" LONG BLACK OBJECT" - A big hit with with the Fifty Shades crowd, this steamy tale of spatial relationship stars the mysterious Long Black Object, a long-time player on the "couples" video scene trying to break more mainstream.
  
• "Eat or be Eaten?" Not to be confused with Last Tango in Paris (seriously, no possible way) The vignette about a woman, her vagina, and a spoon- this phrase 'eat me', it does not mean what you think it means
  
• "Jane Austen's Ick" All I really got to say is "Napkins in vagina to have sex during period." 
  

Winner: "Jane Austen's Ick" If life imitates art, can we please hope this is the last time something of this nature is ever mentioned again. Anywhere. Period. (pun only slightly intended.

Best Lead Object Crammed in a Rectum:
Nominees:

• "Under the Table" SHOT GLASS (BROKEN) - Hard-hitting (and even harder sitting) potboiler about a drinking problem getting way out of hand.
• "The Fellowship of the Frozen O Ring" - Perhaps the perfect twin-bill with "Under the Table," this harrowing  journey takes you through perhaps the only thing worse than an ice cream headache- having an ice pack stuck in your ass.
  
• "Commercial Break" A man, alone in his living room, watching TV. Suddenly, an itch. An unreachable itch. Desperate for relief, facing such brutal plight, he "inserted a remote control to scratch." To the point it got stuck. Some itches, you just got to ride out. Also, the shit on TV needs to stay on TV, and not the fucking remote, you savage.
  
• "15 Items or Less" Man passes out after drinking, wakes to discover his girlfriend has inserted "SPOONS AND DILDOS IN RECTUM" Yes, multiple items, in one rectum. - Perhaps this generation's The Burning Bed.
  

Winner: "15 Items or Less" In a surprising move, the judges decided to go with an ensemble cast for the honor. While the other nominees were certainly noteworthy, it was the ability of the supporting cast to adapt to and stretch the bounds of the lead and really contribute to the understanding of the suffering of the protagonist. A performance that will not be easily duplicated.

And of course, the big prizes:
Best Non-Professional Insertion Mishap
Nominees:

• "Under The Table" 
  
• "Long Soccer Mom Afternoon" 
  
• "Commercial Break" 
  
• "The Shower Mishap"
  

Winner: "Under the Table" Hands down the on the edge of your seat suspense incident of the year. Was the shot glass broken before or after it was inserted in the rectum? WE DON'T KNOW! People will be talking about this a lot longer than Inception, I tell you that much.

Best Performer in a Non-Professional Insertion Mishap
Nominees:

• The diner, "The Whole of a Halfway Down" 
  
• The shot glass, "Under the Table" 
  
• The spoons and dildos, "15 Items or Less"  
  
• The schmuck, "The Dangerous Game" 
  

Winner: The schmuck, "The Dangerous Game" The schmuck put it all on the table in this inaugural award-winning performance. Just the thought this guy tried this may make it the most physically challenging performance since DeNiro in Raging Bull.

Most Nominations
"Under the Table" -3 A familiar tale nevertheless made this a popular choice among the judges, leading to its pack-leading three nominations. Although it would only take home one award, one has to think this won't be the last go around for this guy, if not the shot glass. 

Most Wins
"The Dangerous Game" - 2. While this might have seemed like a dark horse entrant to some, the object to hole ratio was just too great for the judges to overcome, with one straight passing the hell out during the jury phase, leading to its sweep in the two categories it was nominated in. 

Not that I'm sad the holidays are over, although I'm glad the music portion of it is done with, but stories like this restore my faith in the holiday spirit.

44 year old Helen Williams was so peeved a gentleman companion had failed to arrive with beer, since the stores were closed on Christmas Eve, she did what someone destined to wind up on my blog would do. She busted a ceramic squirrel over his head and then stabbed him with the jagged remains. Strictly speculating here, but I'm going to guess Ms. Williams is what they call a hard 44.

I just know the root of this situation, the beer, had to have Milwaukee somewhere in the title. I just know it. That some hardcore fucking beer partying sumbitches right there. They don't need to knifefight. They'll bust a squirrel in yo ass. A squirrel with a smile. 

Then again, what kind of dude gets shived with the jagged remnants of a ceramic squirrel? Is this part of an upcoming Grand Theft Auto V Online downloadable content or something?

Williams was in the Charleston (S.C.) County jail as of Friday afternoon on criminal domestic violence charge, but it was not immediately known if she had legal representation. Yes, sir...I'll put a dollar down on the public defenders trying to call in favors not to draw this case. 

At any rate, can this finally be a replacement for Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer?