Taking Exit 32A off 64E, I knew the police cruiser was behind me, as it was the only other car to slip off the interstate. My pulse automatically jumped up two or three beats, and I went into my usual defensive maneuvers, checking my speed and bearing like an OCD sub commander navigating through a mine field. Passing the sign proclaiming Finchville, the blue lights came on. Shit.
Pulling into a parking lot, I cut the engine and awaited my fate. This was complete and total bullshit. I was not speeding, all my lights work, and save for a wang mark on the right front quarterpanel, my car doesn't even look that bad.
The trooper asked for license and registration, and as I handed them over, he mentioned the reason he had stopped me was he was curious as to what a car with Floyd County, Indiana plates was doing in Shelby County, Kentucky. Aha, so it is a fucking hassle. For reference, Shelbyville, where I now have to go to court next month, is 17 miles from Louisville, which is directly across the river from where I live. So, I was now standing in a parking lot in Finchville, Kentucky because a state trooper was absolutely so fucking bored he stopped someone for venturing less than twenty miles from home. Wasn't aware I needed a passport to enter the Commonwealth of Kentucky, unsettling news for someone who owns an interstate courier service. If that is not a fucking hassle, then I am not really sure what qualifies.
Oh well, everything should be fine as long as he doesn't start the search the car nonsense. Then he started the search the car nonsense. Shit.
There are some I have talked since who said I should have refused to allow the search and stood my ground. Let me just say to them...yeah, right. That car was going to get searched one way or another, no matter how many pages I pulled from the civil libertarian playbook. I still had way too much shit to do, by half, to dick around with the waiting for a warrant, or dog team, or however they run the show the jerkwaters outside of Louisville. I took my lumps and at least went home at the end of the day, but not before the freakin' afterschool special lecture, during which the trooper made a point of mentioning the fact I had just turned 35.
Yeah, I got you, sir. Like D.A.R.E. in the mid-80s obviously made an impact on me, your speech is right up there. You got bored, rolled the dice, and managed to catch me in an extremely rare situation, end of story.
So now I have to appear in Shelby District Court the tail end of January. Oh, good. I'm working on a plea deal to run by the county attorney, so hopefully I won't even have to do that. If I do, however, at least I was able to Mapquest me some directions, as the uniform citation the trooper dashed off on his laptop fails to tell you where the courthouse is, just that you gotta be there. Real fucking handy for an out-of-state driver. Stay tuned...
So...according to the latest bullshit study, some group of desperately bored scientists have supposedly determined that six months or more of breast feeding can increase the chances of better grades later in life. Hmmm. I must not have been breastfed long enough- that's why I'm still not done with my degree...too much time in the strip clubs. Oh crap...would that qualify as an eating disorder or a learning disability?
Meanwhile...in the latest example of natural selection slowly getting more and more creative- over 80 people have been hospitalized in Louisiana, and some 70 poison center calls were fielded in seven other states as new drugs are being marketed as fake fertilizer, fake insect repellent, and fake bath salts. Okay, now smoking fake fertilzer writes it own joke, about the shit people will use to get high. Snorting fake insect repellent? Here I was thinking meth was the height of stupidity. I mean, if you have some complete jibbering asshole who is perfectly willing to snort bug spray, why fucking go through the motions of trying to sell them on the fake shit? A can of bug spray costs a damn dollar. If you can't make a profit margin on a fucking dollar, then you are far too fucktarded, by half, to be on the supply side of the illicit drug market. Trying to get high on fake bath salts? Not the dumbest thing I've ever heard, but it's nipping at the heels of the top ten. Just waiting for the day you have to show an ID to make a purchase at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
Rounding this one out...Halliburton recently agreed to a $35 million settlement with the nation of Nigeria over bribery charges stemming from $180 million in illegal payments brokered on Dick Cheney's watch as head of the company. Jeez...hope that settlement offer wasn't in the form of an email. I mean, has anyone warned Halliburton about the 419 scams? $35 million is a lot to flush away on a Nigerian hotmail.
After roughly three months of good, bad, and agony, my peoples (and a headache ranking 11 on a scale of 10) convinced me to get my ass into an Urgent Care Center. The joys of being self-employed with no current insurance. I have to damn near go blind in one eye or have shit start leaking from some place it isn't supposed to be before I'll even consider health care. Call it stubborn, call it fatalistic. I call it hanging on for dear life to the scrap of the American dream. That is, if my left-side sinus didn't manage to implode on itself, leaving me in a jibbering heap like I just watched a Jersey Shore marathon or some similar fucktarded mess.
So there I am, sitting in the Urgent Care, listening to some cockamamie fucking soap opera and wishing they would turn down the fish in the waiting room when they called me back. After going through the vital signs and all that usual mess, I was led back to a room...a children's room. Not that I really gave two shits and a fuck, just so long as they could turn that shit down a bit. After an eternity jammed into five minutes, David, the PA, arrived on the scene. What was the problem, he asked.
Well, I replied, as far as I could tell, I had it narrowed down to either:
A. a whoop-ass sinus infection
B. a brain tumor
C. a gypsy curse
D. a brainworm trying to find daylight
Going through scoping my ears and listening to me breath (and throwing out the usual on why I should stop smoking...I said was working on eliminating the Black n Milds, but try doing that after seven headaches in 2 1/2 days...), he tilted my head back and proclaimed he was going to check my boogers.
Wait, what? Did a trained medical professional just say he was going to check my boogers? Facepalm. Double facepalm. I just turned 35 years old, and another grown-ass man just asked to see my boogers. I obliged, the smartass just about worn out of me. One sample and two more prescriptions, and I was on my way again. This shit doesn't work...I'm going back and either asking for Morphine Lite (still got two businesses to run) or for a PA to drill a hole in my skull to let the demons out...
Too bad Louisville doesn't have a Chinatown...betcha I get get someone there to do it...or at least get a hot Asian chick to walk on me...
(orig. pub. 12/7/10 @ FreeReinMedia.com)
On Wednesday, the United States Supreme Court will begin examining an Arizona law that sanctions businesses for knowingly hiring illegal immigrants. Apparently, to pass an immigration law anymore, it helps to be any country other than the United States.
At issue, business and civil groups, with the blessing of the Obama adminstration are arguing that the law unconstitutionally pre-empts federal authority, as their stance is the federal government is the only entity allowed to enforce immigration laws.
What started the problem was the fact the law, for lack of a better word, was successful. Since January 2008, three investigations have led to civil cases being filed against businesses, but the monkey wrench is the 131 illegal immigrants arrested on various criminal charges, not the least was identity theft and using forged documentation to get work. That means the law is targeting workers more than employers, so let's all get warmed up for the whining.
The complaint should be that if the federal government is the only one allowed to enforce immigration law, then why in the name of holy damn on a blue china plate have they refused to do so? It has been the utter failure at every level by the federal government to address the illegal immigration issue, enforce border security, or even deport the illegal immigrants they do arrest, that has led border states to try to do something, anything to stem the flow of illegals and related crime in their states.
This so-called complaint about the law targeting workers over employers is no different than the disparity in the War on Drugs. The kingpins are never the ones doing the perp walks, it's always the schmoe slinging dime bags just trying to keep his head above water. No one complains when a traffic stop produces some copious amount of narcotics- it's a product of the investigation, even if it started out as a speeding investigation or a broken license plate light. The fact that illegal immigrants are getting arrested in this investigations is absolutely no different.
To this day, I am still completely baffled as to why people in this country do not have a grasp of the word "illegal." There are very few circumstances in which someone can get caught breaking the law, and get no punishment whatsoever (see wealth or celebrity), but the lack of stones or utter disinterest of the federal government should not be one of them.
Winner, The Blogitzer
(Best Overall Writing), 2011 Blogger's Choice Awards