I was enjoying a nice and relaxing Sunday afternoon, smoking a bowl, working on building my social media network, kicking around and accomplishing little bits here and there, when I came across a story from Las Vegas' KTNV 13 Action News, about teenagers who have taken to smoking coffee.
Wow, okay then. I set my pipe down, took a sip from my own cup of coffee, and thought about that for a moment. I have heard all manners of dumb ways to catch a buzz in the last couple of years. Trying to pour booze in through your eye socket, chicks soaking tampons in vodka, smoking psychedelic potpourri just because some asshole slapped a sticker on it and said "don't smoke it or anything," with a wink and a nudge. But this shit? Smoking coffee? Today's generation are a bunch of staggeringly dumb motherfuckers.
Naturally, there are various websites up and running that will take you through the step by step process of rolling a "caffeine stick." Facepalm. If you want to cop a buzz, smoke a damn joint. If you want a caffeine fix to get you through the shit that is invariably your morning, at least in the grown ass adult world, then drink a fucking cup of coffee. There's a reason we don't drink bongwater, just flip it over and you will have the equation for why you don't smoke coffee. Idiot.
According to the news report, there can be dangerous side effects to smoking coffee, and not just people looking at you like a complete jackhole for smoking coffee. Apparently, there have been reports of breathing difficulty, dizziness, vomiting, and hallucinations. While there is absolutely nothing I see of any redeeming value to smoking coffee, I will admit I would love to see if a bad coffee trip is anything like a bad PCP trip. That would be the greatest Starbucks on Cops footage ever. Then again, knowing my luck, this is just the precursor to Starbucks opening a chain of hookah bars. There's a morning commute for you, people.
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(Best Overall Writing), 2011 Blogger's Choice Awards