Yeah, I said it in the headline, saying it again right here: Astrology is bullshit. The horoscope page in the newspaper is right between fortune cookies and the snail mail advice columnists in the bullshit hierarchy.
So, one could imagine my amusement when stories started cascading down across the Internet yesterday over a "shift" in the astrological signs.
A shift? What, are they realigning the signs to make the zodiac playoffs easier to follow? Even worse...an expansion Zodiac sign.
This is Ophiuchus, the supposed 13th sign. Despite being impossible to both spell and pronounce, "the snake handler" is being touted as a re-additon, based on the ideas that not only the Earth's wobbling has altered the times the sun passes through the sign, but that the Babylonians kicked Ophiuchus to the curb when they only wanted 12 signs, and none that sounded like a local sex trick of the times...I mean, come on...the snake handler? Bet Virgos keep an eye out for this guy...
Now, the only reason I even bring this up is my birthday falls on December 13 (just like Steve Buscemi and yes, damn it, Taylor Swift), so I would fall into this new sign.
Again, I call bullshit. I am a Sagittarius (although I pronounce it Vagittarius. You know. The vagina handler.) Don't care what a bunch of potpourri smoking eggheads came up with while tripping balls and listening to Stevie Nicks albums. This is what happens when we let people say Pluto isn't a planet anymore. Up next, kids...new sudden death overtime rules for the groundhog seeing its shadow.
So how would this shit work, if anyone actually took it seriously? Would the stiffs who got fired from greeting card companies find new life as the one making up entirely new crap out of thin air, based on what day the doctor slapped your ass? How many idiots will stagger half-blind into the streets, ruined for life because the Scorpio scroll they bought at an impulse rack, the one that described them SO perfectly, is now shit because they have been reclassified as a Libra?
Who knows, and who fucking cares. Apparently, the biggest story of all was Chinese New Year being misinterpreted, as 2011 is quickly shaping up to be the Year of the Dumbass.
Winner, The Blogitzer
(Best Overall Writing), 2011 Blogger's Choice Awards