Okay, I was braced for it. I would dearly love to say I was even a touch prepared for it. It's not like I didn't fucking see this coming. But somehow, I just knew the first Monday of 2014 was going to suck like a reality star's porno flick. It was going to stink on ice, and God knew it was going to be cold enough for it.
The first sign was waking up at 5:30 am for work. Seven degrees with a wind chill just slight of just plain damn it to hell. The idea that New Orleans was 17 degrees with a wind chill somehow made me wish I had a cornerman to throw in a towel for me. In black-and-white, real Scorsese-like.
Somehow, despite missing the snow that had thrown the area into the usual panic, my car was frozen shut. Well played, mother nature. Well played. So now, hour and a half late only to find out that since I have not had a flu shot, I would have to wear a freaking surgical mask all day.There was a bit of consolation in that work did not go bad after I got there. So there was that.
To provide the final insult, as I was leaving work (now -2, -20s wind chill), my car froze open. Froze open like a butch chick at an Ani DeFranco show. That is to say, the door froze when I opened it, and wouldn't latch back shut. Real opportune fucking timing, I must add. Finally got home, packed a bowl, and kicked it around a bit. One Monday down, many more to go this year, and I live to fight another day. I mean, it's not like things aren't looking up. The high tomorrow is supposed to be twelve degrees.
This is the tale of two cities: Charlotte, North Carolina and San Francisco, California. A tale of two teams, and the motivational icon both teams are brushing up against for luck in the ongoing NFL Playoffs.
As ESPN reported on their blog on Friday, the NFC North Champion Charlotte Panthers have adopted legendary World Champion wrestler (and Charlotte's favorite son) Ric Flair's "wooooo!" as part of their in-game performance (after huddles, etc.) and have gone 12-2 since. Fitting.
But wait, according to San Francisco 49'ers lineman Anthony Davis, Natch had flown into Green Bay, Wisconsin on Saturday, to the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field, to give the 49'ers a pep talk before their Wild Card Round tilt with the Packers on Sunday afternoon.
Of course, controversy #1 was Davis tweeting a photo of the pep talk, conducted at a team meeting, but referring to Green Bay as "this shit hole." To Davis, I would remind him that he is lucky enough to be able to play in the postseason at an historic venue. Not to mention, what happens if Davis winds up playing for Green Bay? Not that the fans there track history or remember shit.
While this has lead to coverage from the usual haunts like ESPN and TMZ, the coverage I thought was perhaps the most amusing was NFL.com's take on the brewing drama. (pictured at right - click to go to NFL.com article) Kudos to their writers for actually researching or knowing a little bit about wrestling coming into the article.
So, to recap: Ric Flair's iconic "Woooo!" adopted by Charlotte Panthers, only for Flair to visit the 49'ers and give them a pep talk before their playoff game. What the hell happens if the Niners gotta play the Panthers later in the playoffs? Is he gonna visit both locker rooms, or ???
See, me, I know where this is going. Flair, often referred to as "The Dirtiest Player in the Game," is simply lulling San Francisco into complacency. If the game arrives, it will be neck and neck the entire way, but as the game winds down, Flair and the ref will bump heads, allowing the Panthers to get into range and win it on a field goal. Or at least, how awesome a finish would that be?
In this pic from Gerweck.net, Ricky Morton defeated Chase Owens to win the NWA World Jr. Heavyweight title at a NWA Smoky Mountain event in Kingsport, TN over the weekend. This match had been promoted by Smoky Mountain as possibly Morton's last chance to win an NWA singles World title, and his victory widely reported by wrestling sites as "the teacher besting the student." I'll admit, the old school fan in me thought it was kind of cool to see Morton pull it off, not only because he's 57 years old, but after his pursuit of Ric Flair's NWA World Heavyweight Championship back in the mid-80s.
Then again, having said that, and with all due respect, let me also say enough already. I get the point in giving Ricky Morton his props. The guy is a legend, no matter how you look at it, but the guy is 57 years old. The Rock N Roll Express has gone from top of the charts to the classic rock stations to the state fair circuit, but now the gimmick has gone from nostalgia to self-parody at this point. It's like the joke from The Blues Brothers about Jake and Elwood "still wearing the same shit you had on three years ago." Now, multiply that by ten, and you see why it may not be working anymore, no matter who it's still real to, damnit.
Okay, coming into the first weekend of 2014, I see one of the New Year's resolutions included just plain asinine weather to kick off the year. Monday, when me and my fiance return to work, we will be greeted by the following forecast: High 0 degrees, Low -2 degrees and Windy. That's the first Monday of the year. So far, I'm not impressed. Try harder, New Year.
Having started strong but finishing with a whimper for National Novel Writing Month back in November, coming in around 11,000 words before a crazy schedule took over, I have placed that project on one of the many backburners as I try to rein in my publishing efforts for the year. I intend to release a new eBook of the blog stuff (my first since 2006), tentatively entitled Knuckle Deep, long around late-February/early March, and with the creative juices flowing, I'm a good 7,500 words into what will be my first novel. This one is tentatively entitled The Ninth Cloud, and I am hoping to have it ready for press by June, and more details (possibly an excerpt) by the end of this month or February.
Of course, feeling a little weird now that I no longer have Probably Uncalled For to plan out for Wednesday nights. A nice sendoff for the show, with the finale currently at #6 on the Blog Talk Radio podcasting chart, the show's highest position in several months. Of course, as I have maintained all along, Free Rein Radio will return at some point in the upcoming year, network to be determined. I, on the other hand, will be returning to Blog Talk Radio with a Saturday afternoon show, probably as Spring approaches. I'll be looking to go back to a one-hour format, and most likely it will be a little more news & current affairs oriented.
My Tweet of The Week: Yeah, since I'm starting with January 1, it was a thin race this week, but I decided this one best sums it up. Behave. That's all you really got to do this year, just behave. Don't worry about 99% of the bullshit resolutions you made. It's a 50/50 shot- 50% of you did this shit last second, and that kind of impulsive shit, unless it's a tattoo, is not going to last.
Thanks to Deadspin, I got reminded that every year, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission creates a searchable database of ER visits around the country, and the reasons for such visit. Naturally, what everyone really wants to know is what was being inserted where. In the spirit of celebrating curiosity, we know present the 2013 Crammy Awards, for achievement in the use of inanimate objects. Please notes we are just presenting awards here. No trophies or statues, for obvious reasons. And now, on to the awards...
Best Lead Object Crammed in a Throat
Winner: "The Shower Mishap" For the life of me, I can not figure out how someone swallows a quarter during a shower, let alone get the damn thing stuck. Either your underwater magic act really needs a tune-up, or the stripping career is not going as well as you think it is, cause that would just be sad, choking on the thrown change on a Tuesday night in a strip club.
Best Lead Object Crammed in a Penis:
Winner: "The Dangerous Game" That poor fucking domino. We are left drained, wondering what the rest of the dominoes in the set thought as they watched their friend leave? And what of our protagonist, the humble domino? The wave of terror as the realization it is no longer a game sets in. It's...it's just palpable.
Best Lead Object Crammed in a Vagina:
Winner: "Jane Austen's Ick" If life imitates art, can we please hope this is the last time something of this nature is ever mentioned again. Anywhere. Period. (pun only slightly intended.
Best Lead Object Crammed in a Rectum:
Winner: "15 Items or Less" In a surprising move, the judges decided to go with an ensemble cast for the honor. While the other nominees were certainly noteworthy, it was the ability of the supporting cast to adapt to and stretch the bounds of the lead and really contribute to the understanding of the suffering of the protagonist. A performance that will not be easily duplicated.
And of course, the big prizes:
Best Non-Professional Insertion Mishap
Winner: "Under the Table" Hands down the on the edge of your seat suspense incident of the year. Was the shot glass broken before or after it was inserted in the rectum? WE DON'T KNOW! People will be talking about this a lot longer than Inception, I tell you that much.
Best Performer in a Non-Professional Insertion Mishap
Winner: The schmuck, "The Dangerous Game" The schmuck put it all on the table in this inaugural award-winning performance. Just the thought this guy tried this may make it the most physically challenging performance since DeNiro in Raging Bull.
"Under the Table" -3 A familiar tale nevertheless made this a popular choice among the judges, leading to its pack-leading three nominations. Although it would only take home one award, one has to think this won't be the last go around for this guy, if not the shot glass.
"The Dangerous Game" - 2. While this might have seemed like a dark horse entrant to some, the object to hole ratio was just too great for the judges to overcome, with one straight passing the hell out during the jury phase, leading to its sweep in the two categories it was nominated in.
Not that I'm sad the holidays are over, although I'm glad the music portion of it is done with, but stories like this restore my faith in the holiday spirit.
44 year old Helen Williams was so peeved a gentleman companion had failed to arrive with beer, since the stores were closed on Christmas Eve, she did what someone destined to wind up on my blog would do. She busted a ceramic squirrel over his head and then stabbed him with the jagged remains. Strictly speculating here, but I'm going to guess Ms. Williams is what they call a hard 44.
I just know the root of this situation, the beer, had to have Milwaukee somewhere in the title. I just know it. That some hardcore fucking beer partying sumbitches right there. They don't need to knifefight. They'll bust a squirrel in yo ass. A squirrel with a smile.
Then again, what kind of dude gets shived with the jagged remnants of a ceramic squirrel? Is this part of an upcoming Grand Theft Auto V Online downloadable content or something?
Williams was in the Charleston (S.C.) County jail as of Friday afternoon on criminal domestic violence charge, but it was not immediately known if she had legal representation. Yes, sir...I'll put a dollar down on the public defenders trying to call in favors not to draw this case.
At any rate, can this finally be a replacement for Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer?
Former Boston crime boss James "Whitey" Bulger could soon see some of his belongings, including a replica 1986 Stanley Cup championship ring, on the auction block.
The 84-year-old Bulger was sentenced this month to life in prison on dozens of charges, including murder and money laundering, after being tipped off by his former FBI handler of an impending indictment and spending more than 16 years as a fugitive.
This, of course, completely stymies my idea for a new History Channel venture- Mob Pawn. I guess it also could have been the best episode of Storage Wars ever, as it could be the first such "war" to feature real gunfire...
Elwood, a New Jersey Chinese crested/Chihuahua mix crowned the world's ugliest dog in 2007 (he was 2006's runner-up) passed away Thanksgiving morning at the age of 8.
The only question left in my mind...what does Nicki Minaj's ranking move up to by default, cause if she ain't already in the top 5, Elwood's demise oughta get her there.
Three unpublished stories from reclusive U.S. author J.D. Salinger have been leaked online, from an unauthorized 1999 book that sold on eBay, Internet news source BuzzFeed reported on Thursday.
The stories, "The Ocean Full of Bowling Balls," "Paula," and "Birthday Boy," are currently held in research libraries at the University of Texas and Princeton University, appeared as a PDF scan from the book.
The story "The Ocean Full of Bowling Balls" is seen as a prequel to "Catcher in the Rye," and is only available at the Princeton library to scholars who are supervised by library staff. Under terms of the arrangement, it cannot be published until 2060.
Yeah, it's a bullshit move to leak stuff like that, but the way things are "leaked" in this day and age, at least it wasn't a sex tape. Or would that have been "Caught Her in the Eye?"
I knew it was bound to happen one day. I was talking with my younger daughter about driving when I was high school compared to the cost in the here and now, and I got to use the phrase when I was your age, about gas only being 89 cents a gallon when I got my driver's license. Not only have gas prices and the frequency with which I say when I was your age shot up over the years, but so has the price of dependable pre-owned cars, trucks, and vans.
If you are starting your search for a pre-owned vehicle in the Tampa area, save yourself a lot of time by starting at Auto Market of Florida. Selection? They've got it, whether it's foreign or domestic, family sedan, sport utility vehicle or sports car. Chevy, Chrysler, Dodge, and the way through Mercedes Benz, Audi, and BMW.
The friendly and knowledgeable experts at Auto Market of Florida have been helping people get into nicer, newer vehicles for over twenty years, which is important when you consider how many fly-by-nighters come and go each and every year. Twenty years of being able to turn the 'Open' sign shows a business is there for the long haul.